THE VELOCIPASTOR **** U.S.A 2018 Dir: Brendan Steere. 75 mins
Director Steere first came up with the idea of The Velocipastor in 2011 producing a grindhouse style trailer for it as a school project. The trailer went viral and now he brings us priests, dinosaurs, hookers and ninjas in this hilarious feature adaptation!
Pastor Doug Jones (Greg Cohan) witnesses his parents death in a VFX car on fire murder. Encouraged by another priest he takes some time out and goes to China to find himself. Instead he finds an ancient Dragon Warrior relic that gives him special powers. On his return home he does not feel like himself, late in the night he finds himself wandering the streets in a fever. He comes across a hooker being mugged and turns into a terrifying dinosaur killing the assailant. The rescued hooker Carol (Alyssa Kempinski) tries to convince Doug that killing bad people is a good thing and wants to team up with him against evil (Carol: “I don’t know much about God” , Doug: ” And I don’t know much about dinosaurs”). Battling with his deep Christian beliefs he runs from Carol conflicted. During confession he discovers that Carols pimp Frankie Mermaid was responsible for his parents murder amongst other things (” I stole candy from a baby then threw the baby in the river”). Blinded by anger he turns into a Velociraptor and kills Frankie right there in the confessional. Returning to Carol triumphant they vow to rid the world of bad people. However, when a team of holy ninjas turn up trying to convert their town Dougs skills as the Velocipastor are really put to the test.
Beginning with the statement “Rated X by an all Christian jury” you just know it’s going to be a lot of fun! Ridiculous, cheesy and bloody hilarious from start to finish this belongs on the SyFy channel amongst the Zombiesarus’ and Sharknados of this world! It is fantastic fun and laugh out loud on numerous occasions. For once the dialogue here is one of the best things about it. “Good thing that ninja told us where their hide out is before he died” and other such gems just keep on coming throughout and are nothing short of genius. Add to that hilarious overlong montages and pointless flashbacks with a rousing cheesy soundtrack and you’re laughing at the sheer absurdity of it all. The actors have nailed the over the top screaming and evil laugh routine perfectly and obviously had a blast filming this. The practical FX, close ups of mannequin heads after decapitations and squishy, foamy Velociraptor suit plus a lot of blood also cements this in the “So bad it’s good” hall of fame. Obviously it’s not going to appeal to everyone and if you’re looking for a serious movie then I’m guessing by the name alone you probably wouldn’t pick this one but if you’re looking for something clever but stupid then check this one out for sure. At only 75 minutes long you’d be a fool not too. I believe this to be comic genius and one I would watch over and over.
Review by Sarah Budd