Top Ten Christmas Movies Which Will Scare The Baby Jesus Out Of You
Let’s be honest here for a second; the idea that an seemingly immortal being, possessed of apparent supernatural powers, should break into your house once a year and empty his sack on the living room floor if you’ve been good little girls and boys is just plain sinister.
We even leave pies and booze out for him, for fuck sake.
Why, then, does His imminent arrival fill us with warm, cuddly feelings of… well… warmth and cuddliness? Because it’s Christmas, damn it! ‘Tis the season of joy and happiness, of community and altruism, of wine-induced hangovers and PlayStations.
It’s also the time of year when people gather around the TV to watch movies. You may be a Gremlins kind of person, you could swear that Die Hard is your favourite Christmas movie, or – like me – you could worship at the alter of Arthur Christmas and can only hope to one day be even half as cool as Grand Santa.
But these are easy choices; these are the obvious picks for Christmas Eve as you eagerly await your annual supernatural home invasion, and that’s not how we do things round here.
Most people believe that Halloween is the best time of year for Horror movies, and to be fair they’re right…
But Christmas is no slouch when it comes to Horror, so read on, dear children, as we present the top ten Christmas movies which will scare the baby Jesus out of you…
(10) Better Watch Out (2017)
“‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except for a horny twelve year old and his best mate who have hatched a dastardly plan to seduce their teenage babysitter….”
Who doesn’t love a good home invasion on this most festive of seasons?
With a dash of Home Alone and a sprinkle of Scream, Better Watch Out is a movie which offers scares as frequently as it does laughs. The film is well-shot, with an abundance of Christmas iconography and music to remind you that you are indeed watching a Christmas movie.
Starring Olivia De Jonge and Levi Miller in the lead, and featuring the likes of Patrick Warburton and Stranger Things’ own Dacre Montgomery in supporting roles, the film is similarly well-acted.
Sick of watching Polar Express and the Snowman on Christmas Eve? Better Watch Out is definitely worth a look.
(9) A Christmas Horror Story (2015)
“Oh, come let us attack him, Sa-anta Claus…”
I mean, what can I say? William Shatner’s in it, plus Santa and the Krampus fight each other like they’re DLC characters in Mortal Kombat XI.
And William Shatner’s in it.
(8) The Children (2008)
“‘Tis the season to be murdered, fala-lala-laa-la-la-la-laaa…”
If you’re reading this, then you’re most likely a horror fan, and if you’re a horror fan, you’ll know that there are few things as creepy as Children.
Enter a British movie called “The Children”.
When a family decide to take a Christmas and New Year holiday to visit relatives, the kids become infected by a strange bacteria. Pale and vomiting, the kids do what kids always do around this time of year, and begin brutally murdering their parents and adult relatives.
The cast might not be instantly recognisable to most, but the movie is well-made, well-performed, and well worth a look.
(7) Christmas Evil (1980)
“Oh, what a laugh it would have been, If daddy had only seen
Mommy suck off Santa Claus last night”
Quite possibly one of the most ridiculous films you’ll ever see.
Traumatised by a childhood glimpse of his Dad dressed as Santa eating his Mother’s Christmas pudding (*cough*cough*) under the tree on Christmas Eve, Harry has become fixated on Christmas and takes it upon himself to decide who’s been naughty and who’s been nice.
With an axe.
Fun Fact: The movie was actually seized and confiscated in the UK under Section 3 of the Obscene Publications Act 1959 during the Video Nasties moral panic in the eighties.
Funny, gruesome, awesome, and terrible all at once, Christmas Evil is an absolute riot of a film, and will bring a smile to your face if nothing else.
(6) Dead End (2003)
“Driving home for Christmas, oh I can’t wait to see those faces… In the woods. Staring at me. Send help. We’re all gonna die…”
Well, American road are very long and very straight, so what did the Harrington family think was gonna happen?
To be fair, they probably didn’t think that their routine Christmas Eve drive would turn into a never-ending, inescapable nightmare in which they are terrorised by all manner of spooks, ghouls, and the shrouded corpses of dead babies.
Christmas in a (chest)nutshell, eh?
(5) Black Christmas (1974)
“…Where the treetops glisten, and children listen, to hear murderers in the house…. The house…”
Okay, enough joking around, what do you think it is, Christmas?!
This one’s actually pretty dark and unsettling, and leans into the good old fashioned home invasion which has become as synonymous with Christmas as eggnog and family bust-ups. Albeit with added suffocation scenes thrown in for good measure.
This movie has been remade twice since the 1974 original, but neither of these can touch it for sheer Christmas terror.
(4) Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
“Silent night, holy night. All is calm, all is shite…”
Another movie, another home invasion. Another Santa, another axe. I’m starting to think there’s a bit of a pattern developing, here…
1984’s Silent Night, Deadly Night not only has a terrible, pun-tastic name, but is for all the world just a straight-up, B-tier, slasher movie, but with candy-canes and tinsel alongside the blood and boobs.
Another young child traumatised – Batman style – by his parents’ death on Christmas Eve at the hands of a Santa suit wearing nutter (okay, that didn’t happen to Bruce Wayne), little Billy suffers a psychotic break at Christmas time and – yep, you guessed it – dons a Santa Suit and goes on a killing spree.
Of course he does; why wouldn’t he?
(3) The Gingerdead Man (2005)
“Run, run, run as fast as you can. You’ll never catch me, I’m Predator 2’s Gary Busey…”
For fuck sake…
So, Predator 2’s Gary Busey is executed, and his ashes somehow find their way into a bakery, and he’s is resurrected as the murderous Gingerdead Man.
All manner of murder, shenanigans, and terrible puns ensue with Predator 2’s Gary Busey at the heart of it all.
Horrendous, even by Predator 2’s Gary Busey’s standards, but 100% worth a watch.
(2) Krampus (2015)
“…Ding dong! Verily the sky, is riv’n with cousins screaming…”
Oh, Krampus… What an odd little Christmas treat you are.
Starring Toni Collette and Allison Tolman, Krampus can’t quite decide whether it wants to be a horror movie about a beast stalking and killing a family, or a comedy about how horrendous your in-laws can be.
When two sisters and their respective families are thrown together on Christmas Eve, their differences could not be more stark. But when the fabled Krampus and his dastardly minions turn up and start picking off the family one by one, they must put aside their differences and… you know what? Never mind; you can totally see where this is going.
A good, enjoyable Christmas movie which is funny in places and scary in others, Krampus suffers from a bit of an identity crisis, but is good fun nonetheless.
(1) The Lodge (2019)
“So this is Christmas, and what have you done? Escaped a death cult and survived a mass suicide, that’s what…”
The Lodge, ladies and gentlemen, is our number one Christmas horror movie, and we’re getting serious again here.
When the only survivor of a mass suicide… see? I wasn’t kidding.
When the only survivor of a mass suicide travels to a remote lodge with her new partner and his children for some much-needed Christmas time bonding, things do not go well. The children do not warm to Grace the way she hoped they would, and events conspire to bring her past traumas to the fore with devastating consequences for all.
With a cast comprising the likes of Richard Armitage, Alicia Silverstone, Jaeden Martell and Riley Keogh, the Lodge is a genuinely terrifying, unsettling, and dark, twisted movie to watch as you settle down with a mug of hot chocolate in hand, eagerly awaiting the inevitable supernatural home invasion.
Article written by Chris Joyce